Unspoken
by Flocculus
Summary: Rainbow Bridge, here we go again... no, it's not an AU. Sorry folks. --runs from fangirls-- Seishirou POV. SS.


A/N1 -- This fic takes place near the end of the Rainbow Bridge encounter. It's centred on one of the (many) theories about what went through Seishirou's head that I'm happy to accept. This one focuses mainly on the bet. Since it's mostly thought, you can assume that the dialogue taking place at the same time is the same as that in the anime.

Disclaimer; I own nothing. If I did, Seishirou would be alive, and living happily with Subaru in a zoo of some sort.

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Unspoken

The sky falls, blurring into bridge, your eye a wide haze of green. The ground is getting closer, closer, it's almost...

...oh, you've caught me. Thank you very much... but you can't catch the images that are rushing ahead. My memories. Your body beneath mine... only heightens the nostalgia. Don't worry. I can still make out the line between the worlds. Reality is the one where I'm lying in a lake of blood, a hole through my heart and savouring every moment. And you won't let go of my coat.

I'm fine. There are things in this world that you can't change.

Subaru-kun, you're crying... Not enough, though. You have more pain than that. I've never understood why you put up with it, or me. I certainly cannot empathise, and don't particularly feel the need to. However, I _am _your only devoted stalker, so neither can I ignore it. How many times is it now that I've worn you down to tears? Do you count? It's an infinite, pointless cycle in the end, of me throwing little fires to fuel your anger, only to twist it into love... Do you even know _why _you cry anymore? I find it amazing, that someone both as young and old as you can break so easily. If nothing else, trust me on that part; it really is easy. Every single time... all it comes down to in the end is that first, brief meeting between us.

That was a beautiful day. _You _were beautiful. And surrounded by those soft avalanches, it was so simple to forget everything...

If I asked, you'd tell me it seems an eternity ago. Well, Subaru-kun, it's only been fifteen years. Nothing, to me.

You gasp weakly, your tears spilling more thickly down my neck.

I know you can't hear my thoughts, and they are oceans apart from what I'm telling you about Hokuto-chan's spell... But, fine. Perhaps that was slightly too harsh. Those years meant... something, that I can't identify. That might as well be nothing. Yet, it would be a lie to say that the bet was made solely for the gain of new prey. Entertainment aside, there was a side purpose. I admit now that, in the heat of teenage frivolity, I _was _attempting to change myself. Whilst I have never made a bet I did not know I could win, in that instance I hoped that I wouldn't. It's insane, and completely contrary to my upbringing, but I would be a fool to deny it. Some part of me _wanted _to feel. A slight, irritating voice, hardly conscious at the time... The fact that I listened to it does not make me good, or worth 'saving'. You're completely wrong. It makes me weak. And there is no path for the weak but to become weaker. You helped me, but I didn't mind... you were the only one I wanted to make me human.

_It was so simple to forget everything... I could make silent, fanciful --stupid-- wishes that a Sakurazukamori has no right to demand, and you could make me believe I was a person, and it was okay to be selfish, to hunt something impossible..._

Yes, dear Subaru-kun, I have been listening to you, don't worry, but you're just babbling now. It's a change, but not much better than the stoic monotone you've skillfully developed in recent years. You sounded much cuter when you were sixteen... I'm the only one who can do something about this. Change you back, cheer you up, whatever that means.

Maybe I could share _my _silly musings? I'm late. Nevertheless, you'd smile, perhaps. Or you'd cry again.

That was another lie; there is nothing I can say now. There's too much blood sticking in my throat.

And I don't want to cough it up. It keeps me from revealing things.

_Things I must not ever say to you. _

I'd rather die in silence.

...Hokuto-chan would hit me for this. And you'll probably live the rest of your life in misery, wondering. Did I ever love you? What the hell did I hope to accomplish, that day in Ueno? I've led you down so many rollercoasters, and in these final moments when we're falling faster than ever, I'm still not saying a damn thing... But then, to live like that is your choice. _I _live in strict self-discipline. I have rules. One of them is that speaking aloud is dangerous -- the mouth is a tool I have controlled only by lying, through teeth and face. It's much easier. The truth leaves you vulnerable, and in situations that are rather demanding to slide out of.

To admit aloud that I want to lose this silly bet, however hopeless that wish is... to confess that I hate the trait that sustains my existence... It would make me completely and unforgiveably responsible for the suffering you have gone through. Every single heartbreak. They're all my fault, and no one else's... Not Hokuto-chan's for her death, even though she directly asked for it. Nor even the Sakurazuka clan's for raising me as an assassin, thus fating you to suffer as my prey. I, Seishirou, and my idiotic fantasies are to blame.

I can't handle this. Hurting you... It's just too easy.

_And until now, it's never left me feeling so worthless._

There's a stranger in my head, scowling at me. Whoever they are, I agree with them. This is exactly why we mustn't try to change who we're destined to be. Everything ends in disaster... The bet should never have been made. It was selfish of me, to want to feel. I've ruined you... I deserve a slower death. Not to say that this pain isn't extroardinary -- it is, it's completely excruciating, and no matter how tightly I my shut eyes and grip you it won't lessen. But it's still not enough... Alternatively, I could apologise to you. Maybe I _should _say all of this aloud, to make things right between us, and to calm you, but mainly to hurt my pride. Is that a suitable punishment? If I confess --

_... __If I confess. _

This is guilt, isn't it? An emotion... Well, I can't say that I'm enjoying it. How pleasant of it to surface at such an appropriate time...

Adrenaline shoots forth, fuels what must be excitement. I frown for the right words, the best way to express this strange feeling.

_To voice it. _

Subaru-kun, I will... I'm going to tell you so many things before I die.

You can trust me. I've said that countless times before, but now... Everything I couldn't see until now... you'll know it all. It's too late for me, but if any of it makes you happy... if it at all redeems me in your eyes, makes me someone you can love with understanding, and not embarrassment... Then it's worth telling the truth for. Just this once.

I summon my strength, to face the murder in my muscles every time I move. I'm not afraid of pain, but if my body... if I fall unconscious... I lean back. Raise my head. There. I knew it. I can see you again... and it's strange how it all makes sense.

The easy part, now. I cough, to clear my throat. A moment of relief... but the blood falls back, seeping heavily into more difficult places. I splutter. A shot of white-hot fright runs through me; a bad shock to my cold spine.

This _cannot _be happening.

I cough again, but it's not working. My voice is weighed down, suffocated. The blood is so thick. It feels impenetrable. I fight for breath, and I'm briefly rewarded by the stench of iron everywhere. And something else, within me -- panic, yes? Does that mean that this is the end, then? My eye roams. Feeling alien to the world. There's a mess all over your coat... And mine. Excellent. I've always wanted a dignified death, but my God, I must look awful...

No, dignity is useless to me now, but I will not die silently. Not when there's so much I have to say... I struggle on, retching and shaking. More blood. It's coming out, that's good. Horror on your face. Why am I doing this, you wonder... Subaru-kun, you've wondered that for the past nine years, so don't... don't cry anymore... The pain in my chest is both wide and sharp, an axe ripping me in two, but I need the air, I need it to cough. This is... hard. It's _really hard_... And you're not helping! Honestly, Subaru-kun, you're not even... you're still crying. Don't... You think I'm going to die right now, don't you? Choking. Well, I will not, _I sure as hell will not_...

I collapse on you.

_You're late, Seishirou. You idiot... you're so late._

Wait for me...

One breath left.

_How can I, when there's so much... there's so much --!_

Do it, Seishirou, just... At the end of all things, just tell him.

"I love you."

_And I know you. You'll understand._

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A/N2 -- sigh Took you long enough, Seishirou-san. Hopefully, he didn't seem too OOC. It was so hard to write him with emotions... anyway, I hope you enjoyed that. Or rather, I hope you didn't.


End file.
